Now, this is a story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down. I’d like to take a moment, just sit right there. I’ll tell you how I became the … queen of hole-diggin‘ dream.
I hope you enjoyed that 90’s tribute, but I have to warn you, the rest of this post is a little less fresh than a tale of a prince in Bel-Air. I’m about to get real with y’all.
I always had a hole, an endless pit of emptiness where I threw in whatever came my way to try to fill it up. Whether it be friendships, awards, a relationship, substances, you name it and it went into that hole. Throughout my childhood and into my teen years I looked for approval from everyone. This may be my parents, relatives, teachers, friends, guys… anyone with a face and eyes to see me. I was an eccentric kid, made too many jokes that often only left me dying on the floor, and changed my personality so much I could barely keep track of which costume I had to wear that day. As my song got louder in singing and performing for choir, my personal voice vanished. I had a hole and couldn’t find something to fill it.
I catch myself in the midst of making a decision, trying to do what’s best for everyone else’s happiness. Often, this means changing who I am, who I was created to be. It was not until this year, as of about a couple days ago, that I actually found out God designed each of us for a UNIQUE purpose. I am my size for a reason, I don’t have certain qualities for a reason, I have my own struggles for a reason.
The mistakes I’ve made and the hardships I am going through are being used to tell a specific story of redemption.
This hole I have is finally being filled, correctly. You see, the darkness I lived in, the love I accepted as enough, always left me feeling a little empty. It’s because I never started on a foundation with God. I didn’t turn to Him when I needed affirmation, when I felt like an ugly piece of dirt after walking through school that day, when I failed a test and lost my grounding in my academic success. I always turned to temporary fillers, that eventually turned into an even bigger hole, until I was just one big giant mass of self-loathing and anger at the life I was leading.
It’s easy for God to step in when you literally have nothing left to turn to.
“At my first defense no one supported me, but all deserted me; may it not be counted against them. But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me.” – 2 Timothy 4:16-17
The best part about this verse is the overflow of redemption. Not only does God come to pull me up and out of the trenches but the ones that hurt me are not going to be counted against for what they did. God lavishes love on every single one of us. No hole is too big too fill.
Now, here’s where I’m gonna get extra honest.
Every day I still have a hole and I continuously have to turn to God to fill it up. It’s not as if He doesn’t have the ability to be my eternal satisfaction, but as a human, I have tendency to fall and look for that joy somewhere else.
Life is a long journey, not an end destination. It’s not as if I will magically uncover a pot o’ gold one day that has the quick fix I crave. My walk with God is a stroll on a never ending beach. Sometimes there’s gonna be rocks, high tide, the occasionally jelly fish to sting me, but throughout it God’s just by my side going with me.
He enters into the muck of our lives, the darkest parts, the deepest pits and pulls us out. That means He still wanted me even when I didn’t want anything to do with him. And you know what, sometimes I still feel like that. I’m not constant, unlike Him. I can only rely on Him and not my own words and thoughts to dictate my life.
God wants to pull you out of the pit, but it might take some pain to get completely up on top. He will break off anything your trying to cling on to, and it may be a while until you finally trust Him and grab onto his hand, letting go of the cheap love, drugs, alcohol, food obsession, body image issues, academic fulfillment, success in sports, whatever it may be. And let me tell you, it’s way easier to let go now and have faith that His plans are unfathomably better than what you think you need.
Stop being a hole digger.
He came down to set you free for a reason, so stop holding onto the chains that keep you from real, abundant life.